Experiencing loss can be devastating; and it’s an ongoing, repeating part of life.  Grieving and mourning occur to some degree whenever we have a loss of any kind.  Although the terms are commonly used interchangeably, “grieving” refers more to the inward experience of grief, while “mourning” refers more to the outward expression of grief. 

Our society has some mourning “rituals” (wakes, funerals, gravesites, religious services, memorials, etc.) that help us in our grieving.  But, we are taught few personal coping skills that help us move more easily through our losses on an “inside” level.  

Through observation at a young age, we learn to do things that actually hinder our grief process.  For example, children are frequently “shielded” from any services or mourning rituals by keeping them away—which ensures that they don’t really know what’s happening and are left to their own thoughts about it, which are often more disturbing to them than the truth.  Children are often told their dead pet is “asleep”—then we wonder why that child is afraid to go to sleep, or continually wakes their sleeping parents to make sure they’re OK.  Or, children are often told that their beloved grandparent “went to be with God”—does that mean the grandparent no longer wanted to be with them? –Why not just go visit God for a while?  -Why didn’t they say good-bye?   Etc.  As adults we are left with those childhood misconceptions and fears still inside of us.

Losses that often need some degree of grieving aren’t limited to death of a beloved person.  Other losses include miscarriage, mental illness, death of pets, divorce, loss of your job, retiring from the work force (losing your identity as “worker, professional, provider, etc.), moving to a new home (losing your previous community), children changing schools, loss of a limb, loss of vitality/capabilities/etc. due to health issues, dreams that will never come true, ability to live independently, mobility, independence in any sense of the term.  The list is endless; “good grief” is an important skill in life! 

Some generalities regarding grief:

·   Grief that’s acknowledged, accepted, and expressed can be more easily processed and assimilated into our lives

·   The same type of loss is likely to have different meaning and consequences for different individuals

·   Everyone’s grief process is different, and that’s OK

·   It’s almost impossible to predict how one will feel/act while grieving

·   Personal perception of the degree of loss can be far different from society’s perception of the degree of that loss

·   In our society there is little “time out” from day-to-day life expectations for grief and mourning

·   People can feel very alone in their grief, often because their social network “needs” them to be OK

·   “Disenfranchised grief” [from a loss not recognized and acknowledged by those around us] causes deep feelings of isolation

·   Each successive loss is likely to trigger an upsurge of unresolved issues from previous losses

·   When grieving, your needs are different from your normal life

·   Grieving does NOT proceed in neat stages and/or steps

·   It’s very difficult to learn new skills during times of crisis

·   Acceptable expressions of grief vary from culture to culture

There are many options for free share groups that can be very helpful in your grieving process.  They are offered through churches, hospitals and hospice centers in specific geographical areas.  Frequently they provide important education about grief and they often even focus on specific types of loss (examples: loss of spouse, loss of child, loss due to crime, health issues, etc.).  Share groups can be invaluable for most people who are grieving.  Individual therapy can also be very helpful.  Depending upon your style and specific needs, therapy could be in addition to or instead of group sharing. 

Cheryl provides individual therapy in a safe, gentle, accepting, encouraging atmosphere.  She is an experienced mental health counselor with training and experience in bereavement facilitation (member of American Academy of Bereavement).  During your process time you will learn how to honor and keep the vital and cherished internal memories, while respecting and letting go of external elements of your life that no longer fit.  As part of this important process, you might choose to:

v    Feel deeply heard and understood without criticism or being pushed to feel/be different

v    identify what’s working for you right now and figure out how to do more of that 

v    identify what’s not working for you right now and discover how to help that be in your past

v    look at your basic needs (food, sleep, etc.) and decide what you can do to better sustain yourself on this level

v    learn how to accept nurturing help from others 

v    enjoy and benefit from relaxation exercises designed for your personal needs

v    experience help in finding a balance between “bucking up and looking good” and feeling like an emotional “wreck”

v    participate in process drawing and/or other creative arts designed to   help your insides heal

Personal therapy is a time when you can be who you need to be in this particular moment of time so you’re able to move forward in your journey with safety, grace and peace.

 call 219-462-6109 for more information, or to make an appointment with Cheryl Kaper, MS